Turn the Key

Where: Hudson River Park, NY, NY
When: July 7, 2009

I've been having a reoccurring dream. I'm living in a house with dangerous, frightening people, who behave in violent and unpredictable ways. And I decide that I've had enough, so one day when I'm alone I pick a room as deep in the house as possible, and I gather my pets, and all the guns and ammo I can find, and systematically go through the house and lock every window, and lock every door, and I go down the last hall, locking door after door behind me, until I'm in the last room. I lock that door, feeling the cold metal in my hand and hearing the bolt slide in place, and I back into the farthest corner of the room and wait. And then I wake up, sweating, the sick taste of fear in my mouth.

So I had the dream again recently, but this time the ending was different. I lock the last door, and crouch beside it, the key pressing into my fingers. I start to panic, realizing that somehow the people have learned about my rebellion, my betrayal, and are on their way back to the house. And I leap up and rush to a window, thinking I'll escape into the surrounding woods - I can get there before they come home and I can just pick a direction and run and run. But then I remember my pets, and while I could take Piper I can't take the cats, and I can't leave them. So I go back to rushing around the room, and the time to make my decision gets shorter and shorter.

Suddenly, pressed against the door again, frantically listening for the people's return, I am aware of my breathing, the feel of the door against my cheek, and the key in my hand. I stand up, and turn the key, and walk down the hall. I open the next door, and the next. I walk to the front door, turn the key, and step out into a cool, crisp fall day. As I head for the driveway, I hear the growl of a car's engine, tires crunching on gravel. The late day sun slants past the corner of the house, marking a blinding path. I hear car doors slam, voices shouting. I put my hands up, and step into the light.

My body burns like fire, clean and bright, and the dream slowly fades away.