It's Not Dark Yet

[Piper thinks I'm awesome. And she's just a dog, so it can't be that hard.]
When: January 26, 2011
Where: Home

"Every nerve in my body
is so naked and numb
I can't even remember what it was
I came here to get away from

I don't even hear
The murmur of a prayer
It's not dark yet
but it's gettin' there."
--Bob Dylan, "Not Dark Yet"

Depression is so insidiously self-perpetuating. Not only does completing anything feel beyond possibility, it clouds your memory, causing you to forget anything positive about the day, so that it can continue to whisper the same story of failure over and over, unchallenged.

Depression, when you are paying enough attention, will communicate it's coming days in advance. For me, a fog creeps in and permeates my mind, clarity and focus become harder and harder. Painful memories pop up out of nowhere, making me wince and retreat, and certain phrases go on a loop. I lose interest in people and the ability to carry a conversation, and have no motivation to tackle projects, no matter how minor, and am drawn heavily into activities that involve mindless staring.

I had been having these symptoms to varying degrees for several days this week, and then Tuesday night I only got a few hours of sleep. This was the death knell on my mental health, and Wednesday was a disaster. By the end, I didn't feel sad so much as disabled, utterly incapable of completing the simplest of tasks. I couldn't even get myself to go to bed at a reasonable hour.

The worst part was how aware I was of the disability - I was watching myself, I saw what was happening, and I couldn't summon the motivation to access any of the ways out I've learned over the years. It feels like being paralyzed; staring at your leg, willing it to lift, and watching in disbelief and growing horror as it does a whole lot of nothing.

The next day, fearing a repeat performance in spite of getting a few extra hours of sleep, I decided I was going to try something new. I had noticed that as I sat staring, my thoughts went something like this:

"I should do the [insert chore or project]. Ugh. I don't want to do [chore or project]."

Now, on a normal mental health day, this internal dialogue would end with:

"Oh well. [go do chore or project]."

On depleted mental health days, the internal dialogue ends with:

"Huh. I'm still not doing [chore or project]. I am broken, and also I suck. [further decrease in mental health]."

So this time, I had a new plan. I was going to practice Extreme Positivity. This was influenced by my reading of the Happiness Project, in which the author decides to practice 'Extreme Nice':

"What was 'Extreme Nice'? It was an extreme sport, like bungee jumping or skydiving, that stretched me beyond my ordinary efforts, that showed me new depths within myself... For a week, I was extremely nice to Jamie [her husband]. No criticism! No snapping! No nagging!"

This was similar, but instead of being focused on others, it was going to be a conscious effort to shift my thoughts and opinions away from the negative, and instead to find joy and excitement in everything I could.

Here are some examples:
"I should do laundry."
- Old response: "Ugh, I don't want to do laundry."
- Extreme Positive Response: "This is great - I'll get exercise from going up and down the stairs while carrying all that laundry, when I'm done I'll have lots of clean clothes, and I won't have to do it again for a week! Awesome!"

"I should clean, this place is a wreck."
- Old Response: "Ugh, I don't want to clean - it's gotten so bad I don't even know where to start."
- Extreme Positive Response: "Fantastic - the apartment is SUCH a wreck that it's going to feel amazing when I've finished! Also, I'll get to enjoy watching it get better and better, and Dave and I won't have to do any housework all weekend!"

Finally, my default, worst case, I-can't-think-of-anything-good-about-this-situation thought became "I get to experience this!" Here's an example:
Guy In Car: [Leans on his car horn right when I'm walking by.]
- Old Response: [Massive adrenaline/stress hormone/jump reflex] "Dammit, die in a fire."
- Extreme Positive Response: "Isn't it great that I am capable of hearing that? I love having hearing, I get so much information about my world. Plus, I get to experience music!" [Total lack of adrenaline/stress hormone/jump reflex]

While this all started out feeling a little weird and a lot disingenuous, it ended up making my day fantastic. I just kept feeling happier and happier, and everything felt more and more fun to do. I was bouncing from project to project, and by the end I couldn't wait to tackle the next thing. Not only was I having a great time doing the chore, it was a surprising amount of fun just coming up with ridiculously positive things to say about scrubbing the kitchen counter, or waiting for the washing machine to stop spinning.

The other cool thing I noticed was that I started to spontaneously have positive thoughts about MYSELF. This is historically extremely difficult for me. My default, even in times of excellent mental health, is something along the lines of, "well, I did this one thing, but I didn't do any of these other things, so I still suck". Any moments of positive self-regard are generally accompanied by wincing, nervousness, and denial.

However, after a few hours of this, I suddenly started thinking - without effort or prompting - "I am so freaking amazing. Look at all this stuff I've done, and I've made it feel so FUN! I am so proud of myself." Even better than all that positive self-regard was the fact that the more love and compassion I felt for me, the more love and compassion I felt (end expressed) for others. It was like being in perpetual happy-motion.

So this is now my project for the week. Operation Extreme Happy. I'm excited to see how it turns out (obviously), and will report back later on.

Kitten Flashback

Where: New Rochelle, NY
When: At least 4 years ago

The Part Where You Let Go

Where: Kauai, Botanical Gardens
When: August 23, 2010

Grassland

When: December 18-ish, 2010
Where: Highline, Chelsea, NYC

Into the Dreaming

Where: Museum of Natural History, (Live) Butterfly Exhibit
When: December 14, 2010

The sleeper must awaken

Where: Museum of Natural History, (Live) Butterfly Exhibit
When: December 14, 2010

"Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken."

This is, I believe, a quote from the movie Dune, as I can't find it in my copy of the (awesome) book (which I re-read probably once every month or three). I like the quote anyway, and think it is appropriate for the subject.

Iridescence

Where: Museum of Natural History, (Live) Butterfly Exhibit
When: December 14, 2010

NYC Skyline Redux - Polaroid Style

Where: George Washington Bridge from the car, NYC
When: November 14, 2010

Two in the bush

Where: Museum of Natural History, (Live) Butterfly Exhibit
When: December 14, 2010

Where: Museum of Natural History, (Live) Butterfly Exhibit
When: December 14, 2010

Peek

Where: Museum of Natural History, (Live) Butterfly Exhibit
When: December 14, 2010

This was a really fun exhibit, and I recommend it if you are in NYC. Now that the weather is so cold, it's particularly delightful to go into a nice steamy warm greenhouse filled with gorgeous butterflies.

There will be many, many more butterfly photos to come.

Flashback

Where: Vermont
When: July, 2010

Where: Somewhere along the West Side Highway
When: November 14, 2010

Harvest

Where: Kerhonkson, NY
When: November 14, 2010

Where: Hudson River Park - two iphone photos stitched together
When: November 22, 2010

Tiny House Workshop

Back in October, some friends and I decided to head up to Vermont to participate in a Tiny House Workshop, run by Peter King (check out the website - and look for upcoming workshops - here).

I wrote an earlier, much shorter post on this right after the event, but I'm hoping to be able to give a more thorough report in this one. While this may not end up containing more information, memory being the finite thing that it is, it will definitely contain more pictures!



This is Peter King, giving us an intro talk about why he does these workshops. Peter feels strongly that building a place to live is not rocket science. Housing gets expensive and complicated when we decide we "need" extravagant amounts of space, and complicated structural and decorative details. But if we are willing to redefine that need, and pare it down a bit, than being intimately involved in building the most important structure in our lives is well within reach.

Peter claims - and I believe this, after the weekend - that anyone can learn how to build a simple structure. All it involves is basic math, and basic tools, and a few easily learned rules.

The second aspect of his involvement in these workshops is that he feels strongly that housing is just too darn expensive - we should be able to own the house and the land we live on, and not have to loan it from a big corporation.

After this discussion, and after getting a quick summary from each of us - eight participants, including the owner - on why we were there, we got to work.

The first task was framing out one of the walls. The building was 12 by 20, and the two long walls had to go up first. Khumpani (the owner, who is an herbalist who is currently living in an even smaller tiny house on the land) and Peter had finished the foundation earlier in the week, in spite of the miserably cold and persistent rain, so that we could get as much of the main structure done over the weekend.

This photo is just prior to getting the wall up - this is the most complicated tool used that day, and only Peter was allowed to use it:


And Peter in action:


And the first wall, going up!


Getting it level:


Then the rest went together relatively quickly. Unfortunately, the nail gun was not in use, as apparently these contraptions are picky about the types of nails that go into them, and we had the wrong kind. So instead we got to do lots of hitting of things! Which was fun, but much slower. When someone like Peter is sinking a nail, it takes him three hits. When rookies are sinking nails, it takes us anywhere from 8-20.

Also, we were learning about king, queen, and jack studs, as well as what cripples were and where they were supposed to go, so there was a lot of "Peter? Do we hit this one in here?" followed by pauses for measurements, re-measurements, and explanations.

Our progress near the end of the first day:




Cutting out windows:


One of the tools we were allowed to use, a speed square:


The other tools we could use included hammers, and measuring tapes. And chisels. All simple hand tools, which did the majority of the work.

By the middle of the second day, the roof was going up:


Some inside shots - this is from the entrance door, looking to the south. Khumpani planned for passive solar gain, which is why all the windows are on this side, and why they are enormous.


From the door, looking north - the kitchen will be going against the back wall, under the windows. The door that is framed out will eventually open to a deck.


From the kitchen windows (and the future deck) there's a lovely view of the meadow where Khumpani is currently living, and the mountains beyond. See:


And one more inside shot, from the kitchen looking back:


The ladder over on the right goes up to the loft. He had planned for a dormer, to have another window and some headroom up there. I don't know what it looks like inside at this point.

Here is what it looked like at the end of the second day - you can see the gap on the left where the dormer will be:


Peter's ability to manage the project was remarkable. He was constantly juggling the roles of teaching and project management, and I thought he did a tremendous job. He somehow managed to keep track of all the little jobs that had to get done, kept everyone moving, paused to answer questions, and got a team of total novices to frame a house in two days. It was also fun to chat with him at meal times about his views on housing and lifestyle - he had really helpful things to say about finding land, books to read, and skills to acquire.

Overall, it was a fantastic way to spend a weekend, and we lucked out with a crew of lovely, thoughtful, interesting, fun and hard working people. It was also really great to meet and work with Khumpani, who is living his life with an inspiring level of dedication to his ideals and to the earth.

After we left, Khumpani continued to work on it on his own, with a little bit of help from friends and family, and I believe that Peter also returned to help him finish up the plywood sheeting, etc. Khumpani recently sent the participants an email with photos of the current progress - this is from the middle of November:


The inside is sheetrocked, and it's almost ready to be moved into! I'm hoping to get updates as the inside gets finished. I think it will be a lovely space to live in.

Keeper

Where: Kerhonkson, NY
When: October 30, 2010

Where: Lake Awosting, Minnewaska State Park
When: October 30, 2010

In a Polaroid mood again

Where: From the car somewhere on the Upper West Side
When: November 14, 2010

Love

Where: Home
When: Sometime last week